


I ache to make it all okay

by bookl0ver



Series: Prompt Fills [6]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Crying, Deaf Character, Don't copy to another site, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:29:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25393906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookl0ver/pseuds/bookl0ver
Summary: Based on the angst prompt - Can you shut up for once in your life?
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Prompt Fills [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880095
Comments: 14
Kudos: 64





	I ache to make it all okay

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Let Me Forget](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030864) by [messedup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/messedup/pseuds/messedup). 



> Right so I don't really know what this is. 
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> Warnings: Hearing Loss, trauma, kidnapping mentions.

“Can you shut up for once in your life?” 

The words snapped out of Ben before they really registered. He looked up sharply, the room eerily quiet, only the loud buzzing in his head, the muffled swirls of Callum’s voice stopped. 

Frozen, Callum stood staring at him, tears pooling in eyes that radiated with hurt. He saw the way Callum’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly, hands coming up to wipe at his eyes. 

“Yeah, if you want.” He said softly, Ben barely able to make out the words. Before Ben could think of anything to say Callum had turned and quickly headed into the bedroom, the slam of the door behind him sending vibrations through the flat and up Ben’s legs. 

Shakily, he threw himself down on the sofa and pressed his palms against his eyes. Why had he said that? Callum was only trying to help, it was all Callum ever did. 

And that was the problem.

His boyfriend had been kidnapped because of him, beaten and left for dead and all he cared about was Ben. Making sure Ben was comfortable and happy, that Ben was okay. Guilt from causing his boyfriend’s injuries – that still hurt, he could tell they still hurt by the way he moved gingerly, face screwing up in pain – was only increased by Callum’s refusal to let Ben look after him. All of that on top of Ben’s fear and terror at his sudden hearing loss, plunged against his will into his worst nightmare – finally being so truly weak no one, not even Callum could pretend he was strong enough to cope. It had all been bound to explode in some way, he supposed. 

The guilt gnawing at him got too much to bear. With a sigh he rose from the sofa, flipping on the kettle and fiddling with teabags and mugs. Tea poured he slowly carried them across to the bedroom door, using his elbow to push the handle down. 

“Hey, I brought you some -" 

The sight of Callum, strong, brave Callum, crying into his pillow, tears darkening the fabric as his shoulders shook sent guilt and sorrow through his gut and he quickly put the mugs on the bedside table before climbing beside his boyfriend. Vibrations from Callum’s sobs ran from his body through to Ben’s and he should just leave, just go somewhere and never come back because all he did was cause Callum pain, make his life miserable. Instead he pulled Callum into his arms, heart breaking slightly when Callum clutched onto him tightly. On reflex his hands stroked at Callum’s hair and rubbed soothing lines along his back. 

“I’m sorry Callum, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it baby, I know you’re only trying to help.” The words spilled out as soon as Callum had looked up at him, his eyes still shining with tears. His boyfriend glanced away, mumbling something. 

“What? Look at me babe, I didn’t catch that.” He mirrored Callum’s favourite move and tilted his chin up slightly. 

“Blame me... crash – my fault...” 

Ben’s brow furrowed. Surely, he couldn’t have read that right? 

“Callum, what?” 

Frustration burned as Callum shook his head, shuffling out of his grip. He saw Callum’s mouth open, the buzzing momentarily interrupted by the muffled sounds of his voice, when he grabbed his boyfriend’s wrist and pulled him back. 

“Don’t do that. Tell me what you said.” He knew he probably sounded angry and it wasn’t what he wanted, he came in here to apologise, he made things worse, always making everything worse. 

Callum looked at him and spoke slowly, mouth forming around the words with care. There was no denying what they said this time and Ben felt sick. 

“You blame me for the boat crash. You think it’s my fault.” 

“No!” Callum flinched and Ben realised he’d shouted. Waves of guilt and self-hatred washed over him and he couldn’t stop himself from groaning, only the vibration of the sound in his throat letting him know he’d done it. 

“No baby, Callum, I swear I don’t. I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault – none of this -" 

Callum was frowning at him, and he realised he was still clutching his wrist tight. The wrist that still had rope marks colouring it. He dropped it like it burned, Callum cradling it against his chest. 

“You - know you do - hadn’t – Keanu -" 

It was like tuning into a radio when you were in the middle of nowhere, trees and fields interfering so bad that the words come all jumbled. Still, he got the gist. 

“No, no Callum I don’t!” He knew that had come out as a shout, felt the way it burned his throat as he tried to assuage the guilt that had clearly been eating his boyfriend over the last week. A week, a whole week since he’d found him, tied up and half dead, only three days since he’d brought him home from the hospital and he’d been blaming himself for all of the hardships everyone was suffering since. What kind of boyfriend did that make Ben, no what kind of person did it make him, that the man he loved could be going through so much without him even realising? 

“That – the crash was nobody’s fault, Callum.” His hand grasped his boyfriend’s, holding him tight. He’d found him and he could see him, see them, slipping away in front of his eyes. “And of course I don’t blame you for getting kidnapped, I saw the state of you, what he did to you, there was nothing you could have done. Please, babe, none of this is your fault okay?”

Callum wasn’t looking at him, his whole body still. Silence burned, Ben desperate for a hint, a sign that they would be okay. When Callum offered him none he did what he always he did. He talked. 

“I shouldn’t have told you to shut up, I’m so sorry Cal. It’s just – I just-" Not being able to hear yourself did not make pouring out your feelings any easier. Ben took a deep breath, squeezed Callum’s hand, and carried on. “I miss your voice. It’s been so long since I heard it. The last time I heard it was nine days ago, when Keanu let you speak to me on the phone. And seeing you talk, knowing that your voice is there and not being able to hear it, hear you- God babe it’s torture. Reminds me of everything I’ve lost, that – that even though I saved you I still lost parts of you.”

Still slightly misty blue eyes were now looking at him, an intense expression pulling at Callum’s eyebrows as he focused his attention on him. Seeing Callum listen so intently made his heart swell, and at the little circular gesture of Callum’s hand he obeyed and continued. 

“So, earlier, it just felt like someone taking the piss. There you are, in front of me just like I’d prayed for and I still can’t be happy. It wasn’t anything that you did Callum, you never deserve to be spoken to like that and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I just...” Swallowing down the lump rising in his throat, he tilted his head up to meet Callum’s gaze, taking his other hand in his and holding them both tightly as though Callum might slip away if he lets go. “I’m tired of feeling weak, useless, helpless. I couldn’t save you in time, and I lost your voice because of it. Now, now you’re here and it’s like I’m finally feeling all of the anger and guilt and fear that’s built up since Keanu took you.” 

A small smile slid onto Callum’s lips and he took Ben’s hands, placing them over his heart. 

_Thump Thump  
Thump Thump _

Words weren’t needed then, Ben understood. It was amazing how he could pour his heart out to Callum, and Callum, beautiful, wonderful, amazing Callum knew how to respond. Because what he was saying was clear, even as his mouth remained closed. His actions and eyes spoke volumes.

 _This beats for you. It beats because of you. It wouldn’t be beating if it weren’t for you. I am yours, you have me for as long as you want me, as long as you need me. I’m here. I love you._

The tears fell without Ben’s permission, choked sobs escaping and Callum only smiled again, face fond and full of love, and gently maneuvered them so they were laying down facing each other and then held Ben in his arms. 

For what felt like hours they lay there together, holding each other in an embrace of infinite meanings. That they were there for each other, loved each other, forgave each other, would protect each other. 

They lay there, beaten down, broken and finally, finally found some peace amongst the ashes of their lives. Because, in the face of all the chaos and misery foisted on them they had one single, solitary solace;

Each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Let me know what you thought!
> 
> Have a great day!
> 
> \- This fic is slightly inspired by Let Me Forget by the lovely messedup which you can read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030864


End file.
